Sounds simple, no holding back, but for someone who has held back pretty much his entire life it is difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I have given it my all in moments throughout my life. In all honesty they are few and far between. This leads to a subpar and mediocre life.
Living below your potential sucks! It’s depressing, suffocating and really hurts everyone around you. When you have done it for so long it becomes a very bad habit, one that is not easily uprooted. If you’re not careful you will rip out the habit but leave just a small piece of the root which will allow it to grow back and choke the life out of you again.
Figuring out the root cause or limiting belief that started this monster takes time, patience and conscious effort. Trust me, I know first hand.
What makes me an authority on this topic? I am the poster boy for holding back.
Whether it was fear of failure, fear of success, fear of making others look bad or fear of the limelight. Yes, those are all real fears! I have held back in some situations because I did not want to make someone else look bad. I have held back because I was afraid of what would happen if I actually succeeded and what the heck would people expect from me if I did succeed. What if I fail after I succeed? Why not just hold back so I don’t have to worry about these things?
All these negative thoughts pop up because they stem from a horrible self image. I never felt worthy according to the standards of my peers. Although my mom was my biggest supporter and cheerleader.
My mom encouraged me, said I was always meant for greatness. I was the favorite grandchild and the one kid that everyone in my family thought I would be on top of the world. I was afraid I would not measure up, meet their expectations, so why even try as hard as I can just in case. The problem is that when you hold back and fail not many come to your side for support, but the people who give it their all and fail get TONS of support. Logically which type of person should I have been.
Nothing about this is logical, it’s highly emotional, reactive and completely in the moment. After all, fear is not logical, for the most part. I mean it is logical to be afraid and crap your pants when you are face to face with a lion, right.?
As I am typing this I want to just delete it because the thought, what if they think this is stupid or doesn’t make sense. What if this keeps me from getting a job in the future? These are thoughts that haunt me and try to block me from writing this.
I try to reverse my fear with how amazing our life would be if I just put forth 100% or even 75% all the time. I would make some people mad but the people that matter the most would be happy. No matter what I fall back on what I assume everyone will think. I know, it’s ridiculous. I am just being honest.
My goal for the rest of 2017 and all of 2018 is to be fully present in everything I do. That’s not easy for me because I love to escape into my own thoughts or into a movie or great tv show. I am working hard on being present, conscious and communicate at my best.
Do you struggle with holding back or am I alone here? Tell me what you do if you struggle with holding back or if you struggle with fear?
Side Note: I understand that this may not be grammatically correct or polished, but, in all honesty here, it doesn’t matter that much. It is no worse than some of the greatest articles I have read from Huffington Post or CNN or the NY Times. Seriously, I just wanted to get this out of my head and onto the web to be in front of your eyes. Hope you can accept that, but if not then move along.